Breaking Bad – in the garden

18 05 2014


bb_waltJesse Pinkman, I see you have a small time pepper operation, growing some jalapenos and poblanos.

I have an offer for you. I will grow up some of the hottest peppers in town, and you will help distribute them.

Yo, Mr White. My peppers are already the hottest. I use them to make chili powder, yeah, b!+ch.bb_jesse

bb_waltJesse, your product can barely produce medium salsa. You forgot your Chemistry already. Capsaicin is what you need!

bb_jesseYo Mr. White, yo. My product is hot, b!+ch, yo.





Jesse, be reasonable. your product barely reaches 8000 Scoville units of heat. What I am talking about is so much more. For instance, Bolivian white peppers- 10,000 to 30,000. Fatalii- 125,000 to 325,000. Habanero- 150 – 325,000 Scoville units. The Ghost pepper and the Trinidad Scorpion pepper- 800,000 to 1 million Scoville units of heat! One of these peppers has more heat than a tub of yours.

bb_jesseMr. White, yo. I like making cherry product, yo.




bb_waltOur business will be the Pimiento Picante Hermanos. But first we need to grow the plants. Seeds should be started a good 8 to 12 weeks before setting outside. Keep the seeds warm to aid in germination. A seed mat helps. And when deciding on planting dates, don’t forget that hot peppers are warm weather crop. Transplanting in March in zone 6 will give you plenty of dead transplants.

So you do have a plan? Yeah, Mr. White! Yeah, science!



We plant them in a sunny spot, about 1 ½ to 2 feet apart. I know to plant in fertile soil with good drainage. The soil should average 60 degrees in temperature before planting. I like to extend the season by starting them under a mini hoop house or greenhouse. Place a cardboard or aluminum collar around the plants to help prevent cutworms. While maturity dates vary, we should expect to harvest some peppers about 90 days after transplant. And harvest we will…

scorpion pepper transplant

scorpion pepper transplant


fatalii pepper transplant

—– Intermission ——-

This is a public service message. Wear protective gear when harvesting hot peppers. Please. Let me relay an experience I had handling jalapeno peppers one summer. I failed to wear gloves while halving the peppers for homemade jalapeno poppers. After food prep, I washed my hands thoroughly. Twice. A trip to the restroom demonstrated how wrong I was. To quote Jerry Lee Lewis- “Goodness, gracious! Great balls of fire!!!” The fire down below lasted for hours. I washed my hands several more times. Washing proved ineffective when I took out my contacts. Pow!! I inadvertently launched fire missiles into my eyes. I had to scrap that pair of contacts. Note that we are growing something a little more potent than jalapenos. End of message.

—— End ——

Walt and Jesse put on the protective gear to harvest the hot peppers

Walt and Jesse put on the protective gear to harvest the hot peppers

I hope you enjoyed this episode of Breaking Bad: In the garden. Comments and fan mail are always appreciated.



One response

18 05 2014

Reblogged this on permacultureghost and commented:
Give this a good read. It was pretty funny!

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